Crazy life

It’s the craziness of it all – the whole thing.  Sitting here in my dad’s chair, in the window. He’s here, but he isn’t.  A short time ago the room was full of him.  Then I watched him drain away in a sad hospital bed.  Picked up his holdall with pyjamas and an electric razor – the watch I wear is his.  He built the wardrobes.  It’s his house.  Even though I sort out the bills and the insurance, rifle through the bench drawers for a screwdriver, it’s his house. Much of it a result of his physical effort.  All a result of his hard work.  His house.


Christmas day.  My daughter and I sat at the dining table.  My mother was upstairs.  There was a lull – maybe my son was off with his girlfriend somewhere.  C and I sat and chatted, or maybe we weren’t saying anything, when a shadow caught my eye.  Someone walking into the kitchen from the hallway.  C looked up, seeing the shadow pass in the glass of the display cabinet, in front of the jubilee plates and crystal glasses.  I looked at her.  “Did you see that?”  “Yes.  What was it?”  “I don’t know.”  Whoever it was knew their way around the place.  Like they’d walked that way for a lifetime.


And I’m sitting here in this armchair, “Naked Lunch” on one arm, banjo against the other.  Tomorrow I drive back down to the South-West, dropping into Bristol to pick up some notes.  N is in Africa – Victoria Falls for New Year.  Crazy.


Next month I’ll start my visits.  2014 is the year of visits – and banjo – and guitar.  Madrid.  Visit Nic and Claudia.  Italy.  Visit D.  K in Cumbria and I want to pick up from DFW, board a Greyhound and wash-up on a beach in Southern California, see Salinas, Santa Barbara and work up to Frisco, Berkeley.  Check out Steinbeck and Kerouac. Hell, why not?  And if I have to go by myself I damn-well will.


My mam gets that we have to do what we have to do.  Whether my kids get it, who knows?


Have you seen how many dead-people there are?  The worst human legacy is regret.


I need to read my Spanish notes again.  Skype Claudia.  I need to fit this in with everything else.  Job.  Family.  Guitar.  Banjo.  Life.  You have to live, man.


I just need time.  Time to breathe.  Time to read / write.  Time to think and to talk and to travel.  And time devours lives.  My cousin is 63.  My mother 78. My kids are pushing 30. You turn your back and it’s gone.  Soon, N will be back (God willing), but then I’ll be 52.  B-52.  Rand flew B-52s.  Rand was a good guy.  I liked him.  What the hell am I meant to do?


This is a crazy life.


Sportsmen think they have it made.  One interest.  One goal.  But it’s 2-5% of life.  Do they get that?  So they succeed.  Fix the 2-5% of their life, but 95% is a mystery to them or, worse still, they die without ever being aware of it.  And that is success?


At least intellectuals die in humility.  I’ve seen a lot of people with a lot of money, but in the end we all wonder about the same things.


Layer-upon-layer-upon-layer.  We just build on the ruins of previous failures.  Every success is destined, in the end, to be another failure.  Dream of the good times.  Keep dreaming, keep digging, keep building.  Keep trying.


I dreamt, last night, that I knew what I was doing.  The girl said “I love you, Kev.”  But it was just a dream.


This is a crazy life.

Copyright Kevin Buckle 2013

12 thoughts on “Crazy life

  1. I’m commenting to let you be aware of of the amazing discovery my friend’s child enjoyed reading through your web page. She realized a wide variety of pieces, which include what it is like to have a wonderful teaching mood to have other individuals completely learn about a variety of impossible things. You undoubtedly surpassed our desires. Many thanks for imparting those beneficial, safe, explanatory and even cool tips about the topic to Tanya.

  2. I want to voice my affection for your kindness in support of visitors who need help with your situation. Your real dedication to getting the solution up and down turned out to be amazingly important and have in most cases permitted workers just like me to arrive at their aims. This insightful facts implies a great deal to me and far more to my peers. Regards; from everyone of us.

  3. I wish to voice my love for your kindness in support of men and women that need help with your matter. Your very own commitment to passing the solution throughout has been incredibly powerful and has continuously permitted somebody much like me to achieve their ambitions. Your new helpful advice denotes a lot to me and further more to my mates. With thanks; from each one of us.

  4. Thank you for each of your effort on this site. Debby loves doing internet research and it’s really obvious why. My spouse and i notice all regarding the lively means you create both interesting and useful steps through the blog and as well as recommend contribution from the others on the situation so my girl is actually being taught a great deal. Have fun with the rest of the new year. You are performing a fantastic job.

  5. Thanks for your own efforts on this web page. My mom enjoys making time for investigations and it’s easy to understand why. My spouse and i know all of the dynamic way you give very important guidelines via your web site and as well as increase contribution from website visitors on that area then my daughter is studying so much. Take pleasure in the remaining portion of the year. You are carrying out a good job.

  6. I truly wanted to type a remark to be able to say thanks to you for all of the pleasant suggestions you are placing on this website. My time consuming internet lookup has at the end been honored with reliable ideas to write about with my family. I would assume that many of us site visitors are unquestionably fortunate to live in a great site with very many special individuals with good advice. I feel very much lucky to have seen your entire webpages and look forward to so many more exciting moments reading here. Thanks again for everything.

  7. I am commenting to let you know what a excellent discovery my cousin’s daughter found reading through your site. She came to understand many pieces, including how it is like to have an excellent giving nature to have the mediocre ones clearly grasp some very confusing subject areas. You really did more than visitors’ expected results. Thank you for supplying those warm and friendly, dependable, explanatory and in addition cool thoughts on the topic to Jane.

  8. Thanks so much for providing individuals with an exceptionally superb possiblity to check tips from this blog. It is always so ideal and as well , full of a great time for me and my office friends to search the blog at minimum three times every week to read the latest tips you have. And indeed, I’m also usually fulfilled for the cool points you serve. Selected 4 areas in this post are unequivocally the most effective we have had.

  9. Oh my goodness! a tremendous article dude. Thanks However I’m experiencing issue with ur rss . Don抰 know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting equivalent rss problem? Anybody who is aware of kindly respond. Thnkx

  10. I am just writing to make you be aware of of the really good encounter my child obtained browsing your blog. She figured out numerous details, most notably what it is like to have an incredible giving mindset to let many people really easily learn chosen problematic things. You undoubtedly surpassed my expected results. Thanks for producing such interesting, healthy, edifying as well as cool thoughts on this topic to Tanya.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>